Dad, Chris.

Chris, go get your Aunt Shirley.

We love you and we hate Chris!

Thanks to Chris, I've completely lost the will to live.

For Chris, I have this stick I found laying on the ground over there.

She tries to fit me in between the furnace repairman and the high school janitor.

It's so sad.

Your obvious lack of significant income is causing you to lash out at those greater than yourself.

No, it's my obvious lack of patience for little geek wussy boys who dress up like carpet salesmen and wear cologne that smells like cat urine.

Okay, I see I'm gonna have to go in for the kill.

This is my bank book.

Read it and weep.

A nine followed by two zeros.

Now let's see yours.

Well, my daddy keeps mine in a safe deposit box down at the bank.

Yeah, yeah, a likely story.

Well, I think I'll move on.

There are dozens of people here just waiting in line to kiss my butt.

Could I have everyone's attention, please?

I know you're all still giddy about the free melons that Donna brought us, but listen up for a minute.