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A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning 1 - S01E01

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to your new guardian?

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning 1 - S01E01

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I'm going to take you to your new home before banking hours begin.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning 1 - S01E01

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for Count Olaf and your new theatrical family.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning 1 - S01E01

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But we have been preparing an exciting new production

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning 1 - S01E01

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I just bought a new toolkit because my food processor broke.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning 1 - S01E01

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I am Count Olaf, the renowned actor and your new guardian.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning 1 - S01E01

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you deserve the blessing of a new family with Count Olaf,

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning 1 - S01E01

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Then I treated myself to new file cards for my private library,

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning 1 - S01E01

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Well, children, before I give you a tour of your new home,

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning 1 - S01E01

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And then, to top it all off, I forgot to buy a new bread knife.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning 1 - S01E01

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there is no happy beginning, and very few happy things in the middle.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning 1 - S01E01

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If you are interested in stories with happy endings,

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning 1 - S01E01

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then you would be better off somewhere else.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning 1 - S01E01

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In this story, not only is there no happy ending,

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning 1 - S01E01

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My name is Lemony Snicket.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning 1 - S01E01

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It is my solemn duty to bring to light the sorry history

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning 1 - S01E01

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of the Baudelaire children as it happened so many years ago.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning 1 - S01E01

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But you in the audience have no such obligation,

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning 1 - S01E01

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and I would advise all our viewers to turn away immediately

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and watch something more pleasant instead.