Let's just say, hypothetically, we live in a world where time travel exists.

When I was a kid...

- That's a first. - Nick, I traveled from the future...

Yes, did I tell a lie? I did.

The L.A. Sparks. So many sparks in one place, you're about to start the world's sexiest fire.

...I became a werewolf, scared some teenagers.

I am not a shy food blogger...

I felt like we had a connection too.

- I wanna die. SAM: Hold on a second.

I lied too. Half my profile's a lie.

- I loved you! - I think that's a little bit of an exaggeration.

Maybe you should watch a cautionary tale that I like to call The Nutty Professor.

- How do I respond? - With a simple "or not wear."

If I lost my job a week ago I'd be deep in a porn hole by now.

SCHMIDT: Insane. NICK: Jess, can I have a word with you?

I just told myself it was a chance to start over.

- This one's a leaper. - I knew it was gonna go there.

...and I tell you to pretend that I'm a scary ghost...

...I had the best sex of my life last night. He brewed me like a fine chamomile...

Is there a hot way of saying "I don't feel sexy after I've had a lot of cheese"?