The warm sun on my face, the soft hum of the fluorescent tubes as they give us additional holy light, the constant familiar itching and burning in my left ear, and of course the cool sensation of my skin crawling with microscopic insects.

Just hop up on the scale, then.

Because I'm the smartest human being on the face of the Earth.

I ask for a simple glass of water on the face and they walk out on me.

No more philosophical discussions on the teen chat party line.

And twelve hours a day on the Migra 2000 to keep my rear end from putting too much drag on my throat.

Sharon, before I go on through to the great behind, I have one final request.

I guess I'm just gonna have to rely on the kindness of others to accept the new mute me.

But if I could record every other word and play it backwards on a phonograph, the message would come out crystal clear.

If something should happen and, well, I'm not able to enjoy life the way I'm able to now, like, well, being able to eat as many Fritos as I like, or pulling ticks off the cat, or watching bananas get those little brown spots on them.