Tasty Mystery Baskets of Clips

He has an ulcer right now due to suppressed childhood trauma.

and it must be sealed forever for the love of God.

Hey, let's do it on his dining room table.

We've been over this.

- Yes! Wow! - Yes! Wow!

But I-I-I can't do that. I mean, if-if I leave Malkovich,

With the greatest pleasure, my dear. You go up the grand escalier

Hot, lesbian witches. Think about it. It's fucking genius.

I think it's kind of sexy that John Malkovich has a portal.

- Mr. John Malkovich? - Yeah. Who's calling?

Can I be anybody that I wanna be?

- Yeah? - So I've been thinking,

Wanting to be John Malkovich.

I really feel that you and I belong together, Maxine.

And I could use Malkovich's existing notoriety

- Oh. Yes? - Chest?

You're right, Craig. You're right.

Oh. Oh, uh, yes.

- You want to do some dishes for me? - Put that down.

Floris, I think you're very nice,

but I felt, uh, oddly compelled.

What, are you fuckin' nuts?

Tickets to Malkovich?

It's a very godlike thing to be able to take something and,

Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account,

Help! He's locking me in a cage!

I'm so sorry. That's horrible.

There's a tiny door in my office, Maxine.

Meet her there! Meet her there! Meet her there!

And no one would ever even have to know it's not him.

- every 15 minutes. - Mmm.

I've always wondered what it would be like to have a penis.

So I thought that I would ask him his opinion.

I am Captain Mertin.

It's like everything made sense. I...I knew who I was.

Well, you picked the unrequited variety.

My name is Craig Schwartz

We'll talk about it later.

Come in, Mr. Juarez.

I was John fucking Malkovich

What is the difference between the foot-pampering looped cotton rug

and the bathmat?

Craig, honey, time to get up. Craig, honey, time to get up.

We love her, Craig.

You can come, too, if you like.

and I've never felt this way before.

I'm back! I'm...

My spunk is, to you, manna from heaven.

- Wanting to what? - Wanting to be him.

It was amazing.

John Malkovich dropped the bombshell

this protean figure that we call John Malkovich.

No, that's the ad, but we can talk about you in a minute.

Listen, Schwartz, Malkovich is our vessel.

Well, it's hard to describe.

Charlie, we are not getting any younger.

Listen, I'll... I'll give you anything you want. Please.

I'll be, you know, deemed an imitator.

You know what I was thinking? I was thinking that maybe

I comes before U.

Malkovich, Malkovich

- Craig! Craig! - I wanna...

Hey Gohmert, think fast!

we should invite Maxine over for dinner one night

I feel something for you,

I had to do the Malkovich ride again, you know? Is this her?

Tell me, Craig, why do you love puppeteering?

- I...I've been... - Check.

Well, I'll protect you, doll face.

like Dr. Feldman. All right?

I'm afraid I have no idea what you're saying to me.

Jesus! Why couldn't I have found the portal to a younger body?

I'm afraid I have to trust Floris on that one.

- my soul has been full of mysterious anticipations. - My soul has been full...

Shut up! Shut up!

Doorknobs are too high, chairs are unwieldy

You know why? Because I've fallen in love!

I'm sorry I didn't call. It was just hard to get away.

Let him do it, Craig.

Uh, hi. Yeah, I want to place an ad.

Oh, that's okay.

After all, the overhead is low.

Shut up, you overrated sack of shit!

You want a beer?

You hear what I said? You can come too.

You cannot fuck with me anymore, Maxine!

After dinner, I'll introduce you to my chimp Elijah.