Tasty Mystery Baskets of Clips

because we're not really working with much money.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Watch it. Jesus! Watch where you're going!

I mean, if you ask me, we got to fight it.

I was reluctant to bring it up because

My turn assholes!

You know, I never would even have tried to adopt a dog

I don't talk to pretty girls that often. Pretty women, ladies.

and somebody handed her a bunch of balloons

Toothless and ready to go. Just 3 dollar! 3 dollar!

and will be recognized in the terms set

Holy shit! Donny!

Everybody always says that about their salad.

Where do you think you are? Red Lobster? What are you doing?

How about a location? Let's go with a location.

You asshole! You think this shit is funny?

(LAUGHS) I know, I just said your name.

You don't have a license.

TED: So, uh, basically that's it. We need a sperm donor.

I just don't want my lawyer singing frozen songs

TED: The offices of Charlie Hebdo.

She's a model. Ted, come back!

I'll get right down to it.

Most civil rights cases are, but this one has some very obvious wrinkles.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

You know, lam a little bit curious- How is it that a guy like you is unattached?

Where did they get him?

Do you love Tami-Lynn?

Look, Sam, this is a really bad time, all right? Something happened to Ted.

I'm told that you have an open-door policy here at Hasbro

That's all I want for him.

than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh?

You two still not talking?

Don't Never Losse Her

Do you love your wife?

Yeah, it'll be fine. We just got to find some firewood.

RICK: Nice lunch, spaz.

Well, you know, we wanted to take you out to dinner,

(SHOUTS) The boxing...

You people are monsters.

that this stuffed doll is a person?

Oh! Ha-ha! Motherfucker!

Do you know how devastated I was?

Nah, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up for Obamacare on the Internet,

No! Look, I'm sorry about that, okay? I'm sorry.

CLUKR IS FUCKING STUPID WHO HAS A NONSENSE CYMBAL AND BRUD IS A FUCKING WHORE WHO HAS SHIT SKIN

for us to make an actual bong.

Yeah. Uh, I'm Ted,

Tami, (SIGHS) listen. I love you.

So, you think this Meighan guy is gonna help us?

MALE OFFICER: All units, we have a 3-17 on Maple Drive. Area units, please respond.

As for complex emotions and the capacity for empathy,

Oh, why can't you just say please?

Ew. I mean, awesome! (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Beautiful ceremony.

TED: So do you say "Arizona State University" or do you just say "HPVU"?

She was giving you the fuck-me eyes.

Get the fuck out of here!

Being back in that church again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald.

(TED LAUGHING) Holy shit! Oh, you motherfucker!

about every chick that throws herself at you.

(SHOUTS) What the fuck?

What is that? What?

me and Teddy can totally leave the room.

He got a little wasted, so these two dudes took him out back to sober up.

Hello? There's something happening.

MALE NARRATOR: We are often told

I feel like he might take it pro Bono.

I swear to God, I'll kick your goddamn ass! Who was it?

No, that's his first name.

Shit. All right.

Crikey! All the animals have gone mad! Unh! Aaah! Get it out! Smack her in the head! Go, Gill, go! Fish in my hair!

Well, not because I'm a junior attorney arguing her first case.

Yeah! How's your tongue taste in your own ass, Poindexter?

You see them two white niggas over therer

Give him a milligram of epinephrine.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Hey, I did my community service.

Oh, my God! We got to celebrate!

I really tried everything I could to be the man that she wanted.

shall we get started?

Touching me, touching you

You don't mind the pot, do you?

I'm just kidding. I'm fucking with you. Come onl

Ted. How are ya?

I just love you so much.

Who's Supermanr Whatr

Cookie Crisp in your bum-bumzies. I'm sorry. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

but do you mind if I ask how old you are?

who's filling in for joni mitchell? amanda hall.

Like trash or a piece of poop

All right. I'll shoot him an e-mail right now,

Ha! Fuck you. Fuck you.

Maybe we don't want you now. Shut up.

I'm not gonna remember a movie I've never seen

I don't think he should want to be considered a person.

Uh, sir, I apologize for my 5-year-old son.

Hey, what's going on'? What are you doing here?

Cow What are you doing here?!

I'm standing up for me and I'm standing up for the homos!

JOHN: Hey, guys?

When you're standing before me

would never be walking together!

Crying running rob

What the fuck did you just call me fucker

(SINGING) Hey, you lawyer guys

I don't have any papers or nothing.

TED: This is the best day of my life!

I completely agree.

MAN: Oh, shit! Jesus! Come on!

You were my thunder buddy for life.

What, like garbage or a piece of shit?

He'll help us. Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse...

It is the same beast, just wearing a different face,

But we don't know any lawyers. All our friends make sandwiches.

And America doesn't give a shit about anything.

There's lube right there.

Dress up like we're into this shit and fuck with the nerds.

All right, fine, I will. Just stop looking at that shit, please!

Aw, buddy, I love you for that.

Sam, you dig him, right?

And a piranha's a fish, just like your Balloons.

We all agree all the time.

You want to be human in the eyes of the law.

I don't want to. I don't have to.

Jesus! Why did you bring him here?

Yeah? So are you!

WHAT DID YOU FUCKING SAY, TUNNER?

I would, like, kick so much ass At momin!