Tasty Mystery Baskets of Clips

[crowd laughing]

because then a bunch of women wouldn't be available

…and holding your happiness and self-esteem hostage

successful, and charismatic,

[crowd laughs, applauds]

[crowd cheering, applauding]

I know, it's like, who wrote this thing, right? Like…

I don't deserve to cum when the Dow Jones is down 500 points

I bet most men in this theater

"Whoa! Do you sit and work at a computer all day?"

They maintain this whole, like, candlelit, walk-on-the-beach energy…

when the truth is he got this backbone made of pure, solid steel.

child abuse is illegal!

And I panicked. I was like, "I don't know if I can make it in this world on my own."

[crowd laughs, cheers]

by a woman that makes a lot more money than you.

[crowd laughing]

-[sighs heavily] -[crowd continues laughing]

The elastic? Gone. Gone!

…where I play a celebrity chef who falls back in love with her childhood friend.

"Oh, how could he be expected to resist all of that fan pussy?"

So then a-- a GI specialist was called in,

[crowd applauds]

living the life I wanted for myself.

-It is spectacular, okay? -[crowd laughs]

But with salmonella

where he got that-- that Jabba the Hutt double chin, you know?

[crowd laughing]

and I almost sliced my hand off,

There's three of us, okay?

It is ten times harder to find a decent husband

You know, as-- as much as I would love to cheat on my husband…

is the most important quality to find in a man.

your life as you know it on the line,

He gotta know how to come in real slow and soft

until we get what we fucking deserve, okay?

is to see inside of your body,

when you see the TMZ video of my face getting fire-hosed by Michael B. Jordan…

[sighs] …again.

butchering 18 raw chickens.

so that I don't end up homeless."

And if we get divorced, he going to sell high.

to make it more Jhirmack "bounce back."

and I still don't understand what cryptocurrency is.

…to add pizzazz to the ultimatum, you know?

That's what being one of the best female stand-up comics will achieve you.

and starred in as the lead.

"…think you rubbed my clit off onto the floor,

looked like the bottom of a bird cage.

and ask your friends to buy you an Instant Pot.