Tasty Mystery Baskets of Clips

successful, and charismatic,

is to see inside of your body,

You know, as-- as much as I would love to cheat on my husband…

[crowd laughs, cheers]

"Whoa! Do you sit and work at a computer all day?"

to make it more Jhirmack "bounce back."

[crowd laughing]

And if we get divorced, he going to sell high.

so that I don't end up homeless."

and I still don't understand what cryptocurrency is.

He gotta know how to come in real slow and soft

…to add pizzazz to the ultimatum, you know?

your life as you know it on the line,

I bet most men in this theater

…where I play a celebrity chef who falls back in love with her childhood friend.

The elastic? Gone. Gone!

is the most important quality to find in a man.

and starred in as the lead.

when the truth is he got this backbone made of pure, solid steel.

and ask your friends to buy you an Instant Pot.

when you see the TMZ video of my face getting fire-hosed by Michael B. Jordan…

[crowd laughs, applauds]

[sighs] …again.

[crowd laughing]

looked like the bottom of a bird cage.

So then a-- a GI specialist was called in,

by a woman that makes a lot more money than you.

They maintain this whole, like, candlelit, walk-on-the-beach energy…

There's three of us, okay?

butchering 18 raw chickens.

"…think you rubbed my clit off onto the floor,

until we get what we fucking deserve, okay?

[crowd cheering, applauding]

[crowd applauds]

…and holding your happiness and self-esteem hostage

[crowd laughing]

living the life I wanted for myself.

because then a bunch of women wouldn't be available

and I almost sliced my hand off,

That's what being one of the best female stand-up comics will achieve you.

It is ten times harder to find a decent husband

where he got that-- that Jabba the Hutt double chin, you know?

I don't deserve to cum when the Dow Jones is down 500 points

And I panicked. I was like, "I don't know if I can make it in this world on my own."

I know, it's like, who wrote this thing, right? Like…

"Oh, how could he be expected to resist all of that fan pussy?"

child abuse is illegal!

-[sighs heavily] -[crowd continues laughing]

But with salmonella

-It is spectacular, okay? -[crowd laughs]