Tasty Mystery Baskets of Clips

…to add pizzazz to the ultimatum, you know?

[crowd laughs, cheers]

"Oh, how could he be expected to resist all of that fan pussy?"

living the life I wanted for myself.

But with salmonella

"…think you rubbed my clit off onto the floor,

and ask your friends to buy you an Instant Pot.

and I still don't understand what cryptocurrency is.

so that I don't end up homeless."

It is ten times harder to find a decent husband

[crowd applauds]

They maintain this whole, like, candlelit, walk-on-the-beach energy…

successful, and charismatic,

[crowd cheering, applauding]

[crowd laughing]

[sighs] …again.

to make it more Jhirmack "bounce back."

when the truth is he got this backbone made of pure, solid steel.

and starred in as the lead.

when you see the TMZ video of my face getting fire-hosed by Michael B. Jordan…

[crowd laughs, applauds]

looked like the bottom of a bird cage.

is to see inside of your body,

by a woman that makes a lot more money than you.

You know, as-- as much as I would love to cheat on my husband…

I bet most men in this theater

I know, it's like, who wrote this thing, right? Like…

until we get what we fucking deserve, okay?

where he got that-- that Jabba the Hutt double chin, you know?

[crowd laughing]

So then a-- a GI specialist was called in,

and I almost sliced my hand off,

butchering 18 raw chickens.

…and holding your happiness and self-esteem hostage

There's three of us, okay?

because then a bunch of women wouldn't be available

child abuse is illegal!

-It is spectacular, okay? -[crowd laughs]

"Whoa! Do you sit and work at a computer all day?"

And if we get divorced, he going to sell high.

I don't deserve to cum when the Dow Jones is down 500 points

The elastic? Gone. Gone!

He gotta know how to come in real slow and soft

your life as you know it on the line,

-[sighs heavily] -[crowd continues laughing]

is the most important quality to find in a man.

…where I play a celebrity chef who falls back in love with her childhood friend.

[crowd laughing]

That's what being one of the best female stand-up comics will achieve you.

And I panicked. I was like, "I don't know if I can make it in this world on my own."