Tasty Mystery Baskets of Clips

…where I play a celebrity chef who falls back in love with her childhood friend.

…and holding your happiness and self-esteem hostage

That's what being one of the best female stand-up comics will achieve you.

[crowd laughs, cheers]

child abuse is illegal!

"Oh, how could he be expected to resist all of that fan pussy?"

You know, as-- as much as I would love to cheat on my husband…

looked like the bottom of a bird cage.

[crowd cheering, applauding]

when you see the TMZ video of my face getting fire-hosed by Michael B. Jordan…

He gotta know how to come in real slow and soft

It is ten times harder to find a decent husband

So then a-- a GI specialist was called in,

your life as you know it on the line,

-It is spectacular, okay? -[crowd laughs]

I know, it's like, who wrote this thing, right? Like…

They maintain this whole, like, candlelit, walk-on-the-beach energy…

and starred in as the lead.

and ask your friends to buy you an Instant Pot.

The elastic? Gone. Gone!

because then a bunch of women wouldn't be available

[sighs] …again.

and I almost sliced my hand off,

"Whoa! Do you sit and work at a computer all day?"

And I panicked. I was like, "I don't know if I can make it in this world on my own."

[crowd laughing]

-[sighs heavily] -[crowd continues laughing]

And if we get divorced, he going to sell high.

to make it more Jhirmack "bounce back."

…to add pizzazz to the ultimatum, you know?

I don't deserve to cum when the Dow Jones is down 500 points

But with salmonella

when the truth is he got this backbone made of pure, solid steel.

until we get what we fucking deserve, okay?

butchering 18 raw chickens.

and I still don't understand what cryptocurrency is.

where he got that-- that Jabba the Hutt double chin, you know?

so that I don't end up homeless."

is the most important quality to find in a man.

[crowd applauds]

There's three of us, okay?

by a woman that makes a lot more money than you.

successful, and charismatic,

[crowd laughing]

[crowd laughs, applauds]

is to see inside of your body,

I bet most men in this theater

"…think you rubbed my clit off onto the floor,

living the life I wanted for myself.

[crowd laughing]