Tasty Mystery Baskets of Clips

Well, there is a problem - it's a year old.

That's going to spread one to three inches of snow right across the D.C. area.

I also have some disturbing news.

but I'm hoping for a dark walnut with a nice veneer. That'd be lovely.

Thank you. Sorry I'm late - my horse pulled up lame.

And I know you voted for me because you were fed up with the status quo.

Yeah! (chuckles)

(TV news theme)

But I'm just here to talk to you, warm up the audience, a little bit of foreplay.

I think the first thing you gotta do is say you have unconfirmed information

I don't care what you say, but say it with humor. These crowds expect it.

By the way, that machine doesn't work.

I haven't been forthright with you about certain things.

I'd also like to thank my wife and children, who have been very supportive of my candidacy.

of government of the people, by the people, for the people.

- Yeah. Yeah. Did she add to that? - Add what?

while other species only mate for votes.

Unfortunately, I do.

but they sometimes made difficult decisions, sometimes had to pass unpopular legislation.

I can make this a lot easier for you.

and in his second term was better than any of us expected.

Maybe you should run for President.

Is this the president-elect speaking or just Tom Dobbs the comedian?

You have a waste-processing plant next to a recreation area.

I just hope your honesty doesn't undercut your irreverence.

And, you know, if you need anything, you call. OK?

- Made you a star. - (Tom) Mm-hm.

- I can barely listen to you talk about issues. - Have I not said this a hundred times?

She's in a phone booth off Route 173.

Connecticut and Massachusetts.

That's why we're here - 'cause you want change! Yeah!

She used phrases like a glitch in the system, compatibility problem, things like that.

I always wanted to say that - sounds like Bob Hope. Thought I'd drop by.

If what she says is true, I'm really not the president-elect.

Honestly, I didn't even think you had a chance.

Nothing can change that. No one can. Except you.

(Eleanor) FBI. FBI.

Sir, we just got a report of an accident. It's Eleanor Green.

- Seriousness of purpose. - The debate is gonna be a night full of pomposity.

No, no, Mr. Kellogg. Mr. Kellogg wants to pass an amendment against same-sex marriage!

In fact, the incumbent has beaten Senator Mills in every state where they've been going one-on-one.

The truth is, I'm not the elected President of the United States.

It's forever. Hold your horses

We're having a little post-Thanksgiving outing. Can I pick you up?

This is a monetary sacrifice I am willing to make

Hello. Welcome. You know my wife.

and I could be obsessed with Angelina - I just want to wet her lips and stick her to something.

Sure. We have to walk away from those who have listening devices.

News from comedians. How crazy is that?

He said, I can't, but I wanna hear them deny it.

was talking to the audience during the warm-up routine prior to the taping of his show.

If you get stopped by the police, say, My car's been drinking, not me!

I brought you some camouflage and thermals 'cause it's gonna be cold up there. Follow me, men.

and the cult of personality.

I'm President, but not really.

and if you represent special-interest groups, we should be like NASCAR.

Reasonable people can come to reasonable solutions.

By spending time in Congress talking about that,

- Praise the internet! - 16 million emails spoke loud and clear!

Wait a minute, I'm taking a picture.

This country was founded on the principle

(Eddie) Made you the President, and by doing so has put me out of work.

I believe I've got my figures correct, but it's a possibility - not a likely possibility, but it's a possibility.

Mark Twain said irreverence is the champion of liberty, if not its only defender.

- (Eleanor) Danny, hi. - Hey. Where the hell are you?

We don't stock the charger for that anymore. How long have you had that phone?

In the circus you shave them with a blowtorch.

Look, you're having such a good time. I don't wanna spoil it.

have my way with myself and then go, Should I drive myself home now?

Campaign during the day, date at night. It's like some weird reality show.

I assume he's from Delacroy. He has a pickup truck.

It was during a Q and A that a woman made a statement.

Tom, could I talk to you for a minute?

- Do you want to go public with this? - I can't.

This is where the special-interest groups start.

It's bad enough with the squirrels going... (nasally) Please help me. I can't breathe today.

- Well, did you ask? - No. I was too embarrassed to.

moving forward, because the future is now!

Comedian Tom Dobbs... (overlapping) Another big win for Dobbs.

I wanna do a show about gay farmers and call it Cropsuckers. Is that offensive?

We believe that strongly, and we make our best effort to find out about it as soon as possible and give help.

In today's America, technology empowers the public in nearly everything they do.

Well, just off the top of my head, I was thinking Bruce Springsteen as Secretary of State.

There is no subject matter that's restricted.

I mean, I know I did the right thing. I know I did the right thing. It was the right thing to do.

This is where we are. You wanna throw it away or go for it?

Maybe because you flipped out and you're in a hospital and you've been doing drugs?

- You're not denying these charges? - Not at all. I was 25, I was stoned.

It's gonna be a whole new ball game, so brace yourselves, people.

He's in the debate!

- All right. - You can go on and be President.

Yes, sir. When I find her, I know what to do.

He tried to abduct me from the mall!

I was once a healthy man.

- So watch out, Oprah. - (audience laughs)

But somebody has to know. Somebody. At least you.

Whoa, boy, that's a desk.

The only sour note? They won't end up with the person that they voted for to be the President.

By the way, Mr. Dobbs, I never thought you had a chance.

Yep, he'll do it. I'll call you later for details.

You're not gonna win this election, but at least you didn't go gently into the good night.

(Tom) Yeah! Yes, indeed!