Tasty Mystery Baskets of Clips

You're actually very lucky.

like if I'm not having an "awesome day," suddenly I'm the negative one.

And I have to be like, "I don't know, all of it?"

who was as batshit as he was and took him up on the offer.

No rimshot there?

so he demanded satisfaction in the form of pistols at dawn.

I watched her do it.

Sorry, spoiler alert for the season six finale of Horsin' Around,

Hey, Mom, knock once if you love me and care about me,

Not, "How are you doing today?" No. "Are you having an awesome day?"

and now it never would be. And that's what losing a parent is like.

That's more my mom's speed.

All that I was ready for. I was not ready for "I see you."

but when I finally had enough, I went to the store and it was gone.

but because I knew it could be so much better,

while your brain is still loose and stupid.

Seriously, hold your applause.

that always seemed to circle back to everything being my fault.

He claimed the critic didn't understand what it meant to be a man,

I performed a comedy routine for my high school talent show.

It was a couple hours later

You've got a head start on most kids.

so, I'm the real hero of the story.

My darling mother gave the eulogy.

he doesn't even know what mourning means anymore.

she never even picked up the little noise and snot factory!

How, most days, I can't concentrate

[rimshot plays]

Sorry about the closed casket, by the way.

"My husband is dead, and everything is worse now."

That even though your parents aren't what you need them to be,

to try to attribute it to anything.

I actually had a near-death experience, recently.

because they ran a review and tore him to shreds.

Anyway, you know what I thought...

the only thing you wanted all along, to be seen.